When I met "Papa Pump" I was quite optimistic. I liked that he was my age and that we were into the same type of music. He worked out regularly and was into body building.....mmmm I love traps. Anyway, I'm getting off topic. I was hopeful that he could get me off my but and back to the gym. Mr. P was from back east, he had a strong personality like myself, which I loved. He was also feisty with a sexy accent. He had been a professional umpire for 10 years, which prepared him for my potty mouth, crass humor and "curve balls" that I like to throw at people. Essentially, it should have been a perfect match.
The first time I met him, he was full of compliments. He showered me with kisses and kept telling me how good we look together and how we were going to "turn heads." A little immature, but who cares. I was so emotionally starved that the attention was well received. I needed this. I needed him.
As the days went on, I started picking up on things that starting bugging me. One, his roommates were female (not what your thinking, they were way older and um, cough! not attractive). Who has "roommates" in their 40's? Two, Mr. P had a degree in a really good field, but unfortunately, he had yet to pass the license to begin actually practicing in this field. Three, Mr. P. was struggling financially and always talked about being broke. Third, he had a job that was obviously beneath him and one that even he admitted he was not proud of. I instantly went into social work and probation officer mode and came up with a "life plan" for him. Unfortunately, he didn't agree with my plan or the fact that I even had a plan for him. I can't help it. I am a nurturer and fixer. If there is a problem to solve (especially if it is not my own) I downshift until it is solved. On several occasions when I suggested to help him study for the exam, he said that he felt like I was talking down to him and that it was emasculating to him. That definitely was not my intention but I could see where he was coming from. Well, needless to say, this love connection did not last long. I offered to help him one too many times I guess...he "unfriended" me from facebook. I was hurt because one thing he always said was that he has remained friends with all his exes. Ultimately, I decided that probably was the best way to end things. There is absolutely no way for him to contact me....on the other hand, what a baby! Stop procrastinating, get a life, your not getting any younger! Ok, I feel better.....not really.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
You Asked Me What?
Ok, I admit. Ive been quite lazy lately, with the summer heat and vacations and all. I decided to just sit down and pen out some recent dates before I purposely forget what happened.....
So I met another potential suitor online several weeks back (you'd think Id learn, but hey, it makes for the best material). He has an advanced degree and has this "sexy ugly" thing going on....and the fact that he is smart? Well, that is a super bonus. So we start texting back and forth and as usual, the conversation starts getting sexual. I don't know why this happens, but it always does. I did my best to re frame and redirect the direction of the conversation until we agree on a mutual place to meet the following day. I get to the pub early and order a Bloody Mary. After the words come out of my mouth, I remember it was the day before payday and admittedly I had no cash. So first off, I'm praying he shows and second, I'm praying he is gentlemanly enough to pay.
My date walks through the door with a big smile and a smile quickly spreads over my face as he looks just like his pictures that he posted (yes, many men put up their high school pictures, I know women do it too...but c'mon!). The conversation begins with the usual awkward questions and my guy is definitely giving me the look over from head to toe. I must of given him a look of concern because he said: "um can I ask how much you weigh?" :0 Are you serious? I didn't know whether to laugh or be pissed. I mean, who has the balls to ask that? I told him he obviously hasn't been "trained" and since he is just getting back to the dating world, after a long marriage, I would give him some free advice. I told him there are three things you absolutely cannot, ever ask a women and they are:
1. How old are you?
2. How much do you weigh? and
3. Are those real.
My date, seeing the horror in my eyes, quickly came back with: "don't get me wrong, I find you extremely attractive, I was just wondering." Oh god....
So I didn't walk out. I had a drink to finish, right? And don't forget he is paying! My date ordered food and actually the conversation went much smoother and as noted earlier, he is highly intelligent so we had much to talk about. After we wrapped things up, I told him it was a pleasure meeting him and began gathering my personal affects. He quickly asked if we could "go to my car." I stood there looking at him for a while, wondering if I was in 2012, or 1986? I told him no, we couldn't go to my car. He said fine, we could go to his car....This just keeps getting better. So we walk outside and find his car. Its a suitable sedan, one that matches his liberal lifestyle. I climb in and instantly think about an episode of 20/20 I watched recently. Also, as an experienced adult, I know better than climbing into a strangers car. Thankfully, its only 6:30 p.m. Its light out, and with my sweet federal training, I feel comfortable taking him on (oh, and I obviously weigh more than him, right?). So as soon as he gets into the car, he leans over for the attack. I'm bombarded by tongue and spit and hands gripping the back of my head. Ugh!
Sometimes, men can be lured into kissing like you do, so things go much smoother but this was not one of those cases. I pulled back with a snap and told him: "dude, you absolutely have no game." He didn't get what I meant, so I told him. You really need some training. You cannot go around attacking women like that. I thought I was getting through to him, but changed my mind when he asked if I wanted to come over to his house later. I politely turned him down but stated that because I see hope in him, he is welcome to stay in touch with me for "game" lessons.
Lesson Learned: Its better to play games with those who know the rules.....
So I met another potential suitor online several weeks back (you'd think Id learn, but hey, it makes for the best material). He has an advanced degree and has this "sexy ugly" thing going on....and the fact that he is smart? Well, that is a super bonus. So we start texting back and forth and as usual, the conversation starts getting sexual. I don't know why this happens, but it always does. I did my best to re frame and redirect the direction of the conversation until we agree on a mutual place to meet the following day. I get to the pub early and order a Bloody Mary. After the words come out of my mouth, I remember it was the day before payday and admittedly I had no cash. So first off, I'm praying he shows and second, I'm praying he is gentlemanly enough to pay.
My date walks through the door with a big smile and a smile quickly spreads over my face as he looks just like his pictures that he posted (yes, many men put up their high school pictures, I know women do it too...but c'mon!). The conversation begins with the usual awkward questions and my guy is definitely giving me the look over from head to toe. I must of given him a look of concern because he said: "um can I ask how much you weigh?" :0 Are you serious? I didn't know whether to laugh or be pissed. I mean, who has the balls to ask that? I told him he obviously hasn't been "trained" and since he is just getting back to the dating world, after a long marriage, I would give him some free advice. I told him there are three things you absolutely cannot, ever ask a women and they are:
1. How old are you?
2. How much do you weigh? and
3. Are those real.
My date, seeing the horror in my eyes, quickly came back with: "don't get me wrong, I find you extremely attractive, I was just wondering." Oh god....
So I didn't walk out. I had a drink to finish, right? And don't forget he is paying! My date ordered food and actually the conversation went much smoother and as noted earlier, he is highly intelligent so we had much to talk about. After we wrapped things up, I told him it was a pleasure meeting him and began gathering my personal affects. He quickly asked if we could "go to my car." I stood there looking at him for a while, wondering if I was in 2012, or 1986? I told him no, we couldn't go to my car. He said fine, we could go to his car....This just keeps getting better. So we walk outside and find his car. Its a suitable sedan, one that matches his liberal lifestyle. I climb in and instantly think about an episode of 20/20 I watched recently. Also, as an experienced adult, I know better than climbing into a strangers car. Thankfully, its only 6:30 p.m. Its light out, and with my sweet federal training, I feel comfortable taking him on (oh, and I obviously weigh more than him, right?). So as soon as he gets into the car, he leans over for the attack. I'm bombarded by tongue and spit and hands gripping the back of my head. Ugh!
Sometimes, men can be lured into kissing like you do, so things go much smoother but this was not one of those cases. I pulled back with a snap and told him: "dude, you absolutely have no game." He didn't get what I meant, so I told him. You really need some training. You cannot go around attacking women like that. I thought I was getting through to him, but changed my mind when he asked if I wanted to come over to his house later. I politely turned him down but stated that because I see hope in him, he is welcome to stay in touch with me for "game" lessons.
Lesson Learned: Its better to play games with those who know the rules.....
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