Horrible Holiday weekend. I had to put my 20 year old cat down. Yes, she was a bitch, yes, she only let me pet her on her terms, but yes, she was mine and loved me unconditionally. I also put down my most recent relationship. I'm not sure if it was the death of the cat, stress of the Holiday's or just my usual sabotage skills, but I just couldn't do it anymore.
He did NOTHING wrong. He was kind and gentle and patient. I want to thank him for helping me at one of the worst times in my life. I don't think I have sobbed so hard. He took charge like a man should, buried my cat and then held me as I cried. After he made dinner, helped me decorate for Christmas and was just "there" for me. I think the hardest part of this past weekend was admitting to myself that the attraction to him just isn't there. I've been there. I've loved several men who just didn't love be back. I would do everything I could think of to make myself more attractive both physically and emotionally, but it never worked. Often I would get the "its not you its me" and whether it was bull-shit or not, it now makes more sense to me. You can't make someone fall in love with you, the chemistry is either there or it isn't.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
The Long Weekend
I remember meeting my first "real boyfriend" in the summer of 1989. We were both living in a crappy apartment complex in West Valley City. His front door over-looked the pool and I used my pre-officer skills to find out his schedule and made sure to be in my hottest bikini around the time he got home. As luck would have it my skills worked and we soon hooked up....and stayed together....all the time. I wanted to be with him all day everyday. It was fun to play house and we got to know each other really fast. Perhaps this is also why we broke up fast.
As a government employee I had Veterans Day off, and my son was out of town for a funeral, so B&B and I decided to spend the weekend together, which started Thursday evening. Thursday evening was chill. We had both been working all week, so it was nice to spend a quiet night together. Friday morning we went out to breakfast and did some more painting in my house. Friday night was our usual movie and home cooked meal night. Saturday morning....I woke up with a twitchy eye and was unusually grouchy. My back was killing me from sleeping in another persons bed. I was not used to his mattress which has starting to concave like a taco from years of use. I had slight dread thinking that I had yet another night to go of physical torture. Where had the spirit of my youth gone? I was supposed to be on cloud 9, loving every minute together with my new boyfriend. Instead, I got up, threw on a pair of stained sweats and the matching shirt I wore the day before. No need for impressions, in fact maybe the smell would be some what of a turn off and I would be rejected and forced to go home and lay on my own couch, in my own house.
B&B has done nothing wrong....it truly is me. I think I have been single for so long that I actually enjoy my alone time but just didn't realize it. By Sunday I think my hair started falling out and I couldn't wear my contacts from the twitchy eye. I felt smothered and really really wanted to be laying on my own couch, in my own home, alone. He asked about spending Thanksgiving together and I about lost my mind. I told him I needed a break....that I need to miss him. He was disappointed, but was a good sport and agreed...He is always a good sport. He really is too good for me. I haven't seen him all week, although we stay in touch by phone and text. Its Friday night and he has made himself "unavailable." I think it is working. I'm starting to miss him.
I'm not sure feeling this way is normal. I now understand how I was able to be in a 3 year, long-distance relationship. The time apart made the time together valuable and meaningful. It was difficult, but I never got the twitchy eye with him.....
Hmmm
As a government employee I had Veterans Day off, and my son was out of town for a funeral, so B&B and I decided to spend the weekend together, which started Thursday evening. Thursday evening was chill. We had both been working all week, so it was nice to spend a quiet night together. Friday morning we went out to breakfast and did some more painting in my house. Friday night was our usual movie and home cooked meal night. Saturday morning....I woke up with a twitchy eye and was unusually grouchy. My back was killing me from sleeping in another persons bed. I was not used to his mattress which has starting to concave like a taco from years of use. I had slight dread thinking that I had yet another night to go of physical torture. Where had the spirit of my youth gone? I was supposed to be on cloud 9, loving every minute together with my new boyfriend. Instead, I got up, threw on a pair of stained sweats and the matching shirt I wore the day before. No need for impressions, in fact maybe the smell would be some what of a turn off and I would be rejected and forced to go home and lay on my own couch, in my own house.
B&B has done nothing wrong....it truly is me. I think I have been single for so long that I actually enjoy my alone time but just didn't realize it. By Sunday I think my hair started falling out and I couldn't wear my contacts from the twitchy eye. I felt smothered and really really wanted to be laying on my own couch, in my own home, alone. He asked about spending Thanksgiving together and I about lost my mind. I told him I needed a break....that I need to miss him. He was disappointed, but was a good sport and agreed...He is always a good sport. He really is too good for me. I haven't seen him all week, although we stay in touch by phone and text. Its Friday night and he has made himself "unavailable." I think it is working. I'm starting to miss him.
I'm not sure feeling this way is normal. I now understand how I was able to be in a 3 year, long-distance relationship. The time apart made the time together valuable and meaningful. It was difficult, but I never got the twitchy eye with him.....
Hmmm
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Table for one?
So recently I've been reminded of several differences between dating at 20 and dating at 40. First off, when your 20, you rarely talk about marriage, especially within the first 30 days of meeting. In fact, I've gone months and often years before that conversation comes up. At 40, you look at your date on a completely different level and often think to yourself "is this someone I can see myself with next month or married to next year?"
As is the case with B&B. At just under a month, we have gone from 0 to 100mph. We talk about possibly moving in together and /or marriage as if we are ordering breakfast at my favorite diner (Jim's, on Redwood Road. It's really good comfort food. I recommend the "Jim's breakfast" for days you are hung-over or really hungry.....oh god, I am off topic). I'm not necessarily saying its a bad thing, its just definitely another reminder that I am getting old and don't really have years to "take it slow" in getting to know someone the old fashion way......or is this just how we justify rash decisions and how we tend to jump into things too quickly? Current statistics say that first marriages have a 60% failure rate and if you are on your second marriage your odds go up even higher.
So based on statistics because B&B has been married before, we are already doomed; although if I remain single I have a 100% chance of not being a statistic, although another 100% chance of eating breakfast alone at Jim's.
Hmmm.....
As is the case with B&B. At just under a month, we have gone from 0 to 100mph. We talk about possibly moving in together and /or marriage as if we are ordering breakfast at my favorite diner (Jim's, on Redwood Road. It's really good comfort food. I recommend the "Jim's breakfast" for days you are hung-over or really hungry.....oh god, I am off topic). I'm not necessarily saying its a bad thing, its just definitely another reminder that I am getting old and don't really have years to "take it slow" in getting to know someone the old fashion way......or is this just how we justify rash decisions and how we tend to jump into things too quickly? Current statistics say that first marriages have a 60% failure rate and if you are on your second marriage your odds go up even higher.
So based on statistics because B&B has been married before, we are already doomed; although if I remain single I have a 100% chance of not being a statistic, although another 100% chance of eating breakfast alone at Jim's.
Hmmm.....
Friday, November 4, 2011
Pop Quizzes
So B&B is hanging in there. Ive thrown many curve balls at him but he just smiles, tightens up his boot strings and keeps marching. I'm starting to wonder if he is a masochist ;) I'm not sure if its the field of work Im in or just the fact that I have become jaded in my 40 years, but I honestly don't trust anyone....including myself! I am so impulsive and unpredictable and I truly don't want to hurt anyone....especially myself.
In thinking about my previous post/video clip, I wonder if I am struggling with the good vs. bad boys issue. I must say that I do have a penchant for bad boys....they are fun, but usually that wears off fast and for some reason there is a strong correlation between bad boy and dumb boy. I definitely have a wild side in me, but deep down I do want the stability and trust that has to come from the good guy right? For now, I will enjoy my time with B&B and pray he doesn't give up on me. He is so patient and kind and always laughs hard at my jokes/humor. It's also a bonus that he is divorced, as he is papered and house broken (he did the dishes in my kitchen without being asked)!!!!!
Lesson learned: As I continue "testing" him, I'm learning that I am really testing myself.
Sloppy Kisses,
Meriska
In thinking about my previous post/video clip, I wonder if I am struggling with the good vs. bad boys issue. I must say that I do have a penchant for bad boys....they are fun, but usually that wears off fast and for some reason there is a strong correlation between bad boy and dumb boy. I definitely have a wild side in me, but deep down I do want the stability and trust that has to come from the good guy right? For now, I will enjoy my time with B&B and pray he doesn't give up on me. He is so patient and kind and always laughs hard at my jokes/humor. It's also a bonus that he is divorced, as he is papered and house broken (he did the dishes in my kitchen without being asked)!!!!!
Lesson learned: As I continue "testing" him, I'm learning that I am really testing myself.
Sloppy Kisses,
Meriska
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Its because he likes you.....
I like this clip because it truly represents how impressionable children are and how poignant words can be on impressionable minds. Now, if we can just reprogram what we have learned after 40 years!!!! Any thoughts????
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