As a former therapist and forever social worker, I have counseled many people with addiction issues and always found myself telling them that it is impossible to go back in life and they must plow forward. Often addicts want to return to friends or family members that brought comfort to them in a previous time in their life, but unfortunately these people are often toxic, also addicts and/or just not good influences on them.
I find myself in this same situation with Mr. "remember my value and worth." I have known him as stated previously for just about ten years and our interactions/dates are always the same. We get together, have a great time, amazing conversation, lots of physical chemistry, the night ends and I NEVER hear from him the next day. Six or so months later he will contact me and we will go through the same scenario again. After years of doing this, I finally promised myself (and him actually) that I was done with the mind games. I even went as far as to delete him from my facebook, now that is commitment right? :)
I wasn't surprised when I heard from him a few weeks ago, it was about "that tim" on the calendar and I was bound and determined to put my new plan of "operation exile" with him in action.....but then my heart got in the way. Even now as I type the tears well up and I am beyond mortified to have yet again be deceived by someone who clearly isn't into me, causes me extreme emotional pain and worst....knows they are doing it. As usual the conversation at first is cool and general and then future plans are always made. This should be my first clue. It is never can I see you tomorrow, or this weekend, its always weeks away, obviously enough time for me to let my guard down. So the "future"plans were made and I saw him last week.
It was good seeing him. I rarely get butterflies anymore and him just opening the door sent chills down my spine and a huge smile on my face.....but that face, his face! OMG he is so dam cute and has the most incredible eyes (besides my own) ever. I'm so nervous that I can't even hug him and I instantly begin rambling at over 100mph to make sure there are not any awkward pauses in conversation, but there never is. Again, great conversation. We get caught up on work, school, our children and our future goals. We talk about personal growth and development and family issues. Topics that I never discuss on other dates or with other men, but with him I always end up emotionally vulnerable. I trust him. I want to trust him. Can I trust him?
How does that song go? "Blame it on the alcohol?" Several whiskey drinks later I find myself at his front door with the same smile, same soft kiss and same broken promises of "staying in touch." This time will be different I think. He's older, more mature, experienced heartbreak himself, his grandparents have died, he sees things differently. He is not shallow and has empathy and sees the promise and potential in people. I want to believe this, I need to believe this...even I don't believe this.
The next day comes quick and I wake with a sick feeling in my stomach.....a feeling I've had before, many times before and I lay there thinking I did it again! I did the same thing again and expected a different result. He's not going to call. He didn't call. I knew he wouldn't call. Even worse, I am compromising a new relationship that I am in, one that looks very promising, but then again, that's what I do. I sabotogue myself. For whatever reason, I can't let this person go. He is like heroin, cocaine and ecstasy all rolled into one. Is the "high" from one night with him every six months, worth the months it takes to deprogram myself and deprogram my heart? I know the answer and am sickened by it.
Lesson learned: Its better to avoid temptation than to resist it.
Frowns and guilt,
Meriska
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